This Is It

Today is the last day I will physically see or touch him for two years. It is surreal, like, he's actually doing this. Derek is leaving to serve the lord in Guam for two entire years. And because I think the Lord has decided I need more trials in this time, I have recently been thinking of my mother, and growing increasingly sad that I won't have her, or any family support save my grandmother and my sister for that matter, during this extremely difficult time in my life.

My mother isn't dead, but she has some major issues with herself and substances that has inhibited her way of life for a long time now. Since I was about eleven, she has been near constantly absent in my life. Until now, I have never felt such an empty, longing space in my heart for my mother's love and support. I never fathomed that I would commit to something so massive and completely unsure. It's just not who I am. I am obsessed with stability in all things in my life, because really of the things I went through as a child and teen. Now, I am alone in that aspect. I have no mother to call and cry to when I am missing my missionary. No one who will tell me daily that everything will be okay because she knows him and I. And that, in so many ways, is why I am scared of waiting for him.

But I will, mother or not, I will.

That's all for today ladies, sorry about the short post. You may get a second after he leaves.